24 July 2003

 

My husband and I went to the local shops to buy some pink teddy bears for our girls to have on their tiny coffin at their funeral on Friday.  I was a nervous wreck, I stll looked pregnant and I was so worried I'd see someone I knew who might not know that we had already delivered our babies or that someone else would ask when I was due.  My stomach hurt from trying to hold it in.

 

We went into a gift shop to buy the bears and I was looking at some cards.  As I came around the corner I walked straight into a double pram with two tiny pink bundles in it.  My heart leapt into my mouth and I almost vomited.  I staggered out of the shop, gasping for breath in a daze like I was on some kind of drugs.  I could not comprehend what I had just seen.  How good the powers that be, do something so cruel.  My husband saw what happened and came out to get me and tried to lead me to the exit to go home.  I gathered enough of my thoughts to say fo back and pay for the bears and I'd wait outside for him.

 

While I was sitting on the seat outside I was looking at the ceiling.  I didn't want to see those babies again, I couldn't.  I also felt like everyone was looking at me.  But on the other hand, I wondered how people could not look at me and not 'see' by looking into my eyes what I had been through in the last 2 days.

 

You know in movies when people are hearing things in their mind, that are obviously distressing to them and the sound effects of the movie make it sound echoing and kind of thumping.  Thats what it sounded like to me in the shopping centre.  I could hear babies crying and it was echoing and thumping in my head.  My eyes felt like they were glazed over and I couldn't see properly.  As I walked along I could hear the babies cries in my head and I felt almost like I was floating, like I wasn't really there.

 

Needless to say, I couldn't wait to be out of the confines of the shopping centre.  I didn't take a deep breath until we were back in the car, where I felt safe and out of the way.

 

8 December 2003

 

Today is my offical due date.  Right now we should be holding our beautiful little daughters in our arms and be at home with them and our precious Matt.

I often sit here and wonder how things went so wrong.

With Christmas just around the corner I can't help but imagine how wonderful and chaotic  Christmas at our house would have been this year.   

 

25 December 2003

 

On Christmas morning we visited the cemetary and left some flowers and pink helium balloons with messages on them for Paige and Amy.  I also put gold tinsel around their plot and put two pink butterflies on their plaque.  Not quite how I imagined the day would be.

Even though they aren't here with us Paige and Amy have their own special baubles for the Christmas Tree just like Mummy, Daddy and Matty have.

 

Here are my thoughts for my first Christmas as the mother of twins.

 

The Mother of Twins

 

Well my little darlings, my first Christmas as a mother of identical twin daughters has been and gone.  For as long as I can remember I have hoped that I would one day be the mother of identical twins.

From the moment we knew we were expecting you both, I then imagined what our first Christmas, as a family of five would be like.  I imagined loving cuddles, little pink bundles and your big brother struggling to get his fair share of the attention.

 

I knew that having three children under 20 mths was going to be exhausting, but I relished the opportunity.  I knew we would be fine.

I wanted to do something special for my first Christmas as Paige and Amy’s mother.  So Christmas Eve I went out and bought a lovely arrangement of pink gerberas and two pink helium balloons.   Of course I also bought a blue balloon for our gorgeous Matt.

The ladies at the florist said, “are these for two little girls babies”, and I know I was beaming when I said yes they are for my twin daughters, how beautiful she smiled.  I took them home and Matt was fascinated with them, I gently told him to be careful of them as they were for his sisters.  He just giggled and said, “balloons”.

 

Christmas morning was warm and humid, but I knew I had plenty to do so I had to get moving.  We had our families coming over for lunch.  We gathered up some snacks and refreshments for Matt, took the pink balloons, the flowers and all piled in the car, as we had somewhere very special to be.

When we arrived Matt was very excited as he loves to walk around the path and check out all of the little ornaments and statues.  I walked over to the place that I had chosen a few months ago and laid down my flowers, attached the pink balloons, put two little pink butterflies either side and outlined the area with gold tinsel.

 

Then I began to weep, for this is where my daughters have been laid to rest, together, since their birth, then death in July 2003.  This is not what I had imagined for us on this our first Christmas, but it is what we have been given.

Even though the pain of losing Paige and Amy has become more bearable, my heart still longs for them and my arms continue to ache for their little warm bodies.  I don't think the longing will ever go away, this is how I will feel until I am with my daughters again in eternity.

 

Paige and Amy I wish our lives and had turned out differently, but they didn’t.  I will always come to be with you both where you have been laid to rest, my heart and my body will always miss you.  I will always be your mother, the mother of twin girls.

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Easter - 11 April 2004

 

Our first Easter both with and without Paige and Amy.  I can picture as plain as day how you both would have looked today.  I'd have dressed you both in matching pink outfits, with little pink and white bunny ears on your tiny heads.  Depending on your actual birthdate you both would have been approximately 5 or 6 months old now. 

 

I know life wouldn't have necessarily been a bed of roses right now with 3 children under 2 but boy would we have known we were alive.  As well as being exhausted from sleepless nights and three busy babies we would also have been sharing lots of warm cuddles, many sloppy kisses and endless cheeky smiles.

 

My heart just swells when I think of 'what might have been'.    

 

Mothers Day - 2004

 

My first Mothers day as a parent of 3 children.  What can I say that I haven't said before.  In my dreams I wake up to Matt jumping on the bed saying good morning and handing me a card and gift.  Then my husband walks in carrying our 6 month old twin daughters, one on each arm.  They are both dressed the same and it takes me a minute to work out who is who.  They both give me big beautiful smiles as they clamour onto the bed with their brother.  Life doesn't get any better than waking up to the cuddles and smiles of your children.

 

Back to reality and thank god we do have our adorable son with us, but my heart aches for the dream that I can imagine so vividly.  Part of what hurts the most is just how good my imagination is at conjouring up these thoughts and images.  They all seem so real I can practically feel my heart swell with the overwhelming feelings of love and fulfillment that comes from my children.

 

We had a lovely day together.  The morning was spent having a lovely bbq breakfast with some wonderful friends, with the rest of the day just pottering around the house.

 

I pray that god will have blessed us with another addition to our family by next years Mothers Day.

 

 My Birthday - 26/05/04

 

Another one of my 'firsts' has been.  Now the date I dread most is 21 July this year which will be Paige and Amy's anniversary.  That will be one whole year since I've touched my babies, seen my babies and held my babies.  I don't want it to have been one whole year.

 

When I look back over the words I have written about our angels and my feelings its almost like they belong to someone else.  Did this really happen to us?  Can we really have lost so much?  How can we still be functioning when such important little people are missing from our lives?

 

Some days when I come here to record my feelings its the last thing I want to do, but my overwhelming need to have lasting tangible written words about our daughters recorded is too strong.  My equally strong desire to have details here that other people can read, especially those who are experiencing similair feelings of loss and grief overrides any missgivings I have about recording my inner most thougts.

 

 23/06/04

 

In my mind I've been searching for reasons why our daughters were taken from us.  I will never know the true reason but have realised there are some things about my life since ~Paige and Amy~ that weren't in my life before.  I've become involved with the Teddy Love Club (TLC) and have met some wonderful mums who share my grief in the saddest way as they have also lost precious babies.  Through TLC I have hopefully bought some comfort and support to other bereaved and sadly yet to be bereaved parents.

 

I cherish my son Matt even more than I did before, I don't get as upset when he wakes at night, instead I take the opportunity to savour a lovely warm cuddle at a time when just he and I are awake together.

 

I am far more compassionate and have a great empathy for others pain and loss.  When I see or hear a stranger having a bad day or in a really bad mood, rather than judge them I wonder if something really sad has recently happened in their life.

 

My close friendships have become closer as I'm able share my feelings and thoughts on a deeper level, which also enables me to express my affection for my friends more readily.   

 

I see little value in being negative or angry, its such a waste of time and precious moments in our lives.  I think of people who have passed away at tender young ages and how much they would love to be here on earth living life to the full.  To me its almost disrepectful to be living a life that so many people have missed out on and wasting it by moping around.  I miss our daughters with all my heart and my life will never be totally complete without them, but I will be with them again one day when the time is right.

 

Even in their short lives and subsequent deaths ~Paige and Amy~ have brought a lot of wonderful things into my life that would not be, had they not been created with in me and born from me.  As I cherish every wonderful moment I spent with my daughters, I also cherish all the wonderful aspects that their little lives have brought to me.

 

19/07/04

 

This past weekend has been one of constant reflection as it was this time last year that I was trying so hard to stay positive for our little girls and praying so hard that they would stay in my tummy a little longer and therefore be born safe and sound.

 

Friday just passed marked one year since we found out we were expecting two little girls, and I can still feel the excitiment and elation.  We were so high on happiness that nothing could bring us down - or so we thought.  Later that night I started to feel mild cramping which had worsened by Saturday morning, so off to the hospital we went.  We spent the day being admitted and poked and prodded by doctors.  I was told that I would be there for the remainder of the pregnancy, but that was ok, I was willing to do what ever was necessary to keep our babies safe.  The contractions continued all day and I had a shocking headache from the medication to stop the contractions.   I was given antibiotics and additional medication to ease the pain of the headaches. 

 

Sunday came and went with more of the same, except I was exhausted from constant contractions and I was starting to get very worried about the contractions not stopping.  Monday morning my obstetrician arrived back from his weekend off and arranged for me to have a scan at 9am.  My husband arrived just in time to come with me.  We went in expecting the worst but my the time the lady sonographer had finished with the measurements etc we had found some hope.  She told us that I would have to remain in hospital but that the babies looked good as did everything else.  We were surprised and delighted.

 

As is usual the Doctor came in then to check us over.  The moment he started he was looking concerned, he told us he needed to call our obstetrician.  My heart was in my mouth I couldn't imagine how things could be so wrong just moments after the sonographer said we were fine.

 

My obstetrician arrived and together they told us that our girls were suffering Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS), with Paige measuring significantly bigger than Amy.  I felt like I had been catapulted into my worst nightmare, my soul felt like it had left my body as though I was having an out of body experience.  I could see everything that was happening as though I was watching from the top of the room.  More bad news was that my cervix had dilated to 5cm and the waters were bulging down.  Our girls didn't stand a chance.

 

All day we waited and wondered what was to happen and then at 6.00 and 6.03 pm Paige and Amy were born, beautiful, tiny and with their little hearts still beating.

 

My memories of this time 1 year ago today, feel as though they have just happened.  Everything is still so clear to me and for that I am thankful. I want to hold onto my memories of Paige and Amy till the day comes that I see them again, afterall my memories are all that I have left of my precious baby angels..   

 

 

21 July 2004

 

Today 21 July 2004 is our sweet little angels ~Paige and Amy’s~ first anniversary.  Overall the week has been difficult and overwhelming.  Beginning with the weekend – I relieved all of the same weekend last year when I was contracting and in hospital praying for my baby’s lives to be spared.  Come Monday, which was the actual day Paige and Amy were born, I relived every hour and what I was doing at that time, from the moment we received the devastating news that our girls would probably not make it, right up until their birth times of 6.00 and 6.03pm.  Tuesday I spent the day working myself up to Wednesday which was the date of their anniversary, and planning flowers etc for the cemetery. 

 

My husband and I both had Wednesday off work and started the day off with a little sleep in with our son Matt who was in bed with us from about 5am in the morning.  The mailman came early and this was the start of my tears, which then went on and off all day.  I was quite taken aback by the physical crushing pain in my heart all day, just like this time last year.  There were two lovely cards in the mail one from my husband’s aunt and the other from the wife of a dear friend of mine who passed away last year.  I was so touched that they remembered our day and let us know they were thinking of us.  Then my mum came around and she had a bunch of flowers and two little ornaments for us to leave at the cemetery.  My mum didn’t come with us as she understood that we just wanted it to be my husband, Matt and myself.  We then headed to the cemetery where we released two pink balloons one for each of our girls that we had written messages on.  I even let Matt scribble a little picture on each of them as well.  We placed some flowers, a poem I had written and laminated and two lovely butterflies around their plaque and then just spent some time with Matt wandering around the infant cemetery.

 

I got really upset watching my beautiful 2 year old gently touching Paige and Amy’s little things and saying ‘oh nice’.  It just doesn’t seem right that to him its normal to be walking around an infant cemetery talking to your baby sisters and playing with their little token toys that we leave at their plot.  Then he wandered around and visited all the other little angels that are resting there.  He was so sweet it really made me consider that not only did we lose little babies but he lost little sisters and we all lost the chance to enjoy them and watch them grow as we’ve eagerly watched little Matt’s wonderful journey from baby to toddler.  When we left the cemetery Matt blew Paige and Amy each a kiss goodbye and one for their little angel friends.

 

After the cemetery we took Matt home and my mum looked after him while my husband and I went out to lunch.  When we arrived home there were some more beautiful cards in the letterbox, which had been hand delivered and a parcel at the front door.  The two cards were from two of our lovely friends who loving remembered our girls and us and the parcel was from Matt’s godmother.  Her husband (and Matt’s godfather) passed away on Christmas day the year Matt was born leaving his young wife and a then 16 mth old little girl.  She sent up two beautiful glass dragonflies and matching glass hearts for each of our girls, which are now in their display cabinet.  We also had a few phone calls and email messages from other friends who where thinking of us.

 

It was a lovely day, but it was emotionally an exhausting day.  By the end of the day I had a raging headache and I was feeling really sick.  I knew the day would be difficult but I was not prepared for the pain and anguish which filled my heart to start so many days before the actual anniversary.  I guess I hadn't taken into account what a toll the lead up to that most beautiful and devastating day would take on me.  The tears that just would not stop flowing left me drained and empty.  I can't believe its been one whole year since I held my sweet daughters in my arms while their little hearts stopped beating and their souls went onto heaven.  I am honoured to have held them during that time.  I would give part of myself if I could just hold them close just one more time.   

 

August 2004

 

Just the mere thought of trying to fall pregnant conjures up thoughts of our precious girls and the fact that if they were here with us I wouldn't be going through all of this trying to conceive turmoil.  Instead of all this, I want to be enjoying my almost one year all twin daughters and the kaos that should be at our house right now.  Sometimes I even allow myself to close my eyes and picture just what it would be like.  The house would be in a mess, Matt would be trying to get my attention and ~Paige and Amy~ would be getting up to all sorts of mischief.  As much as I love these little day dreams the pain I feel when I come back to reality is so consuming that I wonder why I put myself through it.

 

September 2004

 

Everywhere I go I seem to see twins.  I feel so cheated that I didn't get to enjoy the attention that our girls would have drawn.  I was so looking forward to having twins.  I still feel that I am the mother of twins, its just that my experiences ended much too soon.  I know what the shock and joy is like when you are told you are having twins.  I remember the ultra sounds vividly and how totally amazing it was to see two little people floating around together in my swollen tummy.  I can still feel the swelling in my heart when one of my little ones would wiggle in my womb and I already knew which one it was.  I love to recall the day we found out our babies were girls and the absolute shock I felt as I was convinced they were boys.  Lastly I relive every day what it was like to give birth to two beautiful daughters and hold them in my arms, touching their little bodies and kissing them all over.  There is know doubt that I am a mother of twins and I feel as though I am, its just that a lot of other people don't know or seem to have forgotten.

 

5 December 2004

 

As the first anniversay of Paige and Amy's due date looms (8 Dec), I have constantly been thinking of them and imagining what our lives would have been like right now if they had lived.  Afterall we would have had two little 1 year olds bouncing around the house with Matt and I imagine the house would have been filled with utter, blissful kaos.  While we were driving around today I could just picture so easily how crowded the back of our car would have been with Matt's booster seat and Paige and Amy's car seats all crammed into the back.  Matt was sound asleep and it was a lovely rainy day and I pictured them all asleep together in there and us in the front enjoying the peace that I'm sure would be rare had we all been together. 

 

I've been chatting to some of my friends lately who are keen and eager to allow me to discuss and remember our girls, for which I am eternally grateful.  One of my lovely friends this past week even sat and watched our video of the twins during one of my scans with me, which was sad but beautiful.  If any of you are reading this, please know how thankful I am to have such wonderful, caring and patient friends.    

 

A lovely sweet little story.  Two nights ago Matt was sitting down and started to draw on his etcha sketch.  I said what are you drawing Matt, and he said plain as day, 'Matt drawing Amy mummy.  I kind of blinked and asked what are you drawing darl and he said in a frustrated voice, 'Amy mummy'.  We don't know any other Amy's so I was quite taken back.  When my husband came into the lounge room I said tell daddy what you are drawing Matt, and he said again in a doesn't anyone listen voice, 'Amy, I'm drawing Amy'.  I nearly burst into tears it was just so beautiful to hear him say one of his sisters names without any prompting what so ever.  Corny as it sounds I like to think that maybe they visit him and his little mind that isn't has cluttered and clouded as ours is maybe more open to the possibility of truly seeing them.  Corny again, but I took a photo of the unidentifiable scribble and I'll place it into the Paige and Amy's album next time I download photos. 

 

8 December 2004

 

I look at the top of this page and can't believe its been one year since that first entry.  The day has been a little tougher than I expected and I hate the fact that so much time has gone by since I've seen and held our girls.  When I think back to our last moments together I can't imagine how I gathered the strength to hand them over to the nurse that last time.  I don't know how I allowed them to take by babies away from me, knowing it was for ever.  I'm looking forward to Christmas with Matt and the year ahead with our precious boy.  But the thought of being another year away from our girls is kind of like torture.  I will know longer be able to say I had little twins last year.  I won't be able to compare things to this time last year in reference to the twins, and there will be one whole year between the year that they were born and the year we will be living in.  I know these are all normal feelings, but at times they are overwhelming.  A couple of days ago I was shopping looking for some little Christmas things I could take out to the cemetery on Christmas morning.  I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of despair that I was shopping for my girls cemetery plot and not for their Christmas Stocking.  I was walking around the shop with tears streaming down my face and a massive lump in my throat that I was sure was my heart that was about to leap out of my mouth.  Then I heard a song on the radio which I liked from my younger days, and it catapulted me back to a time when I thought a 'problem' was what I was going to wear out that night, and the pimple I had on my face.  If only that was the extent of my emotional concerns now.  

 

Fortunately and sometimes sadly time doesn't stand still and life carries on.  I was so hoping I'd be pregnant by the time this last anniversay of the year passed by, but I guess its not meant to be right now. 

 

17 December 2004

 

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This website is dedicated to ~Paige and Amy~ my beautiful little angel babies.