If you have searched around looking for information so that you can better understand and support some bereaved parents in your life, then congratulations. What these parents need most of all right now is your love and friendship, not token 'well meaning' comments.
Maybe with the help of some of the information you read on this page you will be better able to support and care for the bereaved parents in your life.
People think that you should move on at sometime after a loss, especially for some reason when that loss is a baby that never got to grow here on earth. No matter how you get on with your life you never get over it.
People don't want to talk about it, I know they feel uncomfortable when I talk about Paige and Amy, but why is that? I would think they would feel cherished to think I’d want to discuss something so special and sacred to my heart with them. I love to talk about other peoples children, I know that my girls are in Heaven, but they are still my babies and they will always be a major part of my life and our family. Please don't think that someone is living in the past or not moving on because they can't forget the child/children they lost. All children should be loved, cherished and remembered, especially those that have gone on to heaven too early.
Bereaved parents want and need so much to talk about ‘all’ of their children, it’s the only way to keep their memories alive. I love all of my children and I will never forget my babies and I will never stop talking about them.
When my own friends and family mention my girls names, it is like music to my ears. Just to hear their names said out loud keeps them living on in the memories of those around us. There are so many times when I don't feel comfortable discussing my second pregnancy or my second and third children that my friends and family are my salvation, it is with them that I can feel comfortable and able to recall my beautiful memories.
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1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
5. I need diversions, so I want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
6. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
7. I wish you wouldnt expect my grief to be over in 6 months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
8. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
9. I wish you wouldnt expect me not to think about it or to be happy. Neither will happen for a very long time, so dont frustrate yourself.
10. I dont want to have a "pity party" but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
12. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I dont feel okay and that I struggle daily.
13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I am having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I am quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
14. Your advice to take one day at a time is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle one hour at a time right now.
15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Soimetimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
17. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray daily that you will never HAVE to understand.
Compiled by Diane Collins, The Compassionate Friends
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This website is dedicated to ~Paige and Amy~ my beautiful little angel babies.
