19 December 2006

I shed many tears for you both yesterday for some reason.  The closer I get to delivering your little brother the more scared I get and the more I think about you both.  As well as your big brother's scary delivery.

I still sit and wonder what you both would be like now if you'd stayed with us.  Would you have dark hair?  Would you have your brothers sweet nature?   Would you all get on?  Over and over the thoughts go through my head.

We would now have had a 4 and a half year old and two 3 year olds running around the house.  Your big brother loves girls too, so I wonder what things would have been like between the three of you...

As Christmas approaches I imagine you all getting up in the morning and going totally nuts with your presents.  I can just see the lounge room filled with toys and wrapping paper :)

Instead though, first thing Christmas day we will take flowers and some little gifts to your resting place along with all the other parents and siblings who have loved ones there.

For now thats the best we can do...

Love always Mummy xo

 

27 November 2006

The pain of losing you both is alway so close to the surface.  I've been chatting with an internet friend who lost her sweet son in the third trimester.  The pain of our loss comes heartbreakingly back when I read of her sadness.

While I read about her pain I can feel it my own pain.  I know we all grieve differently and feel differently, but I feel her longing and loss...

What she describes is all part of the damn shitty process of grieving our precious children.

I still to this day second guess my decisions leading to the birth of our daughters.  Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner, why didn't I insist they do an amnio reduction, why didn't I educate myself...

Can you see the pattern its 'mothers guilt syndrome'.  We think we should have been able to prevent the loss of our baby/ies.

I sitll wonder what might have been, I still torture myself with the what ifs...

It does get less and time does heal some, but not all.  The longing in my heart for my sweet innocent little girls never goes away.  The pain in my arms and heart never lessens.  I still want them back as bad as I ever did. 

So to my dear friends who have suffered the traumatic loss of a child our pain is shared and together we will help each other cope...

 

15 October 2006

Well my sweet little girls time sure does pass by quickly.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you both and wonder what you might have looked like now.  I see children who are around 3 years old and think about how both of you might have been running around causing kaos.  October is the month I think of as the month you would/should have been born.  I never thought I'd make it to the due date and was certain that you'd arrive some time in October.

I miss you both so much and my tears flow for you often.  Especially when your big brother Matt talks about you and mentions you both by name.  Please look over your big brother and the little brother that is now on the way.  Please keep them both safe and healthy.

All my love, Mummy xoxoxoxo

21 July 2006

Three years today since our beautiful girls came into our lives.  At this time three years ago (6.40pm) our girls had be born about 30 + mins ago and we were sadly trying to get to know them as much as possible.  We were soaking up every essence of their little lives and trying to project as much love back to them as we could.

Like previous years we went out to the cemetary and took a little arrangement of tiny pink roses and two pink helium balloons for Matt to send up to his sisters.

While we were at home getting the balloons ready Matt was writing on them and drawing pictures for his sisters.  He was concentrating on his art work and said to me so seriously "Mummy I miss Paige and Amy and I love Paige and Amy, I wish they could live here with us".  All I could manage to say was "me too darl".  I had to walk away, my heart broke all over again.

Not only to I think of what we've lost, but I can't help but remember what Matt has lost as well.  He just loves playing with other little girls.  One of his favourite friends is a distant cousin who is around the same age that ~Paige and Amy~ should have been.  They get on so well, and I can't help but feel for Matt that he doesn't have his sisters here.

Paige and Amy I hope you can feel the love that we have for you today and everyday.  I think of you both constantly and wonder what might have been.  I know you would be happy playing together in heavens garden and I don't feel pain for you, I know there is no better place to be than in heaven.  But we do all miss you both so very much and we still mourn for your little lives everyday.  Its us that have been left behind that I feel sorry for.

Take care of our sweet babies lord, give them a kiss each from Mummy, Daddy and big brother Matt.

xoxoxo

 

18 July 2006

Tonight I looked at some photos of beautiful new born twins that an internet friend had delivered.  They weren't identical and they weren't both girls, but the photographs really hit me.

I saw all the photos I wanted to have but never got the chance to have.  I also saw photos I did have but in ours the babies were no longer alive. 

These adorable little babies looked so precious and everyone looked so happy, my tears flowed seeing what we missed out on.  What we miss out on every day.

Something else I realised is I find it hard to be optimistic when someone I know of is having twins.  I know first hand what can go wrong, I also know of plenty of ladies in the support groups who have lost one or both twins for many different reasons.  I want to beg them to educate themselves on twin problems, especially identical twins.  I want to press upon them not to be complacent and not to put their head in the sand (like I did) thinking that would stop anything bad happen.  You know how it goes, people say don't read that stuff it will only worry you, well it could also save the life of your baby/babies if you know things to look out for.

My dearest little girls, I love you both very much and pray that your spirits are here with me, even if you can't be in body.

 

15 July 2006

With the third anniversary of your birth and death fast approaching I can't help but think of what might of been.  Matt has a little friend who is pretty much exactly the same age ~Paige and Amy~ would be right now if they were born just a few months later.  I see them playing and I wonder how he and his siblings would have gotten on.  I think about how I might have coped with so many little people in the house and I can't help but be reminded of how many hugs and kisses we've missed out on.

I feel so cheated sometimes that we were given the excitment and of joy of expecting identical twins only to have it all snatched away.   Like I've said before I wouldn't change what we got to experience, but I do so wish it had turned out differently.

I hope our girls can help to send us another precious angel to join our family.

7 April 2006

Once again I am brought back to thinking about the 'what if' Paige and Amy were here with us on Earth.  We wouldn't be trying to have any more children and wouldn't be suffering more losses.

I had no idea when we lost our sweet girls that this is what we would go through.  I honestly thought we would pick up the pieces and have another child.  Yes and I thought it would happen just like that.  I never dreamed we would have so many difficulties.

My precious girls, I think of you both every single day.  At times I feel a gently brush along my cheek or an unexpected whisper of breeze and I think of you two.  I often see little movements out of the corner of my eye only to see nothing there on further inspection and I think of the two of you again.

I pray that you can both feel my love and longing for you and my eternal thanks to have had you in my life.  I love you Paige and Amy more than any words can describe.

25 December 2005

Christmas day again our sweet angels.  We started out our day opening presents with Matt this morning.  At 3 years and 9 months he was extremely excited.  After Matt had opened all his presents we took some flowers, balloons and butterflies out to the cemetery for our precious girls.  When we were leaving we said to Matt, say good bye which he did, then he said "they waved goodbye to me".  In the car I was feeling ok, when Matt said "Mummy, I miss Paige and Amy".  Both Scott and I said we did too, and I thanked him for being such a sweet boy.  That was it, I cried all the way home. 

Even though today is the 3 year anniversary for the passing of Matt's godfather and our wonderful friend Paul, we went to the cemetery for him yesterday.  We took out flowers and a card.  I can't believe we haven't seen our dearest Paulie for 3 whole years...

Paige and Amy, you would have been 2 years old this Christmas and I can still picture you both running around with your brother.  Matt loves company so much that it breaks my heart to think that he should have had you both to share his time with.  

We would love for you both to be here with us, I don't know why you aren't.  Maybe the two of you could send us another healthy and happy little baby to join our family and help ease the emptiness we feel without you both here on earth with us. 

My dear sweet angels, I love you both as much today as ever.  I hope that Christmas is beautiful in Heaven and that you are surrounded by our loved ones.  Please God give them a kiss and cuddle from their Mummy, Daddy and big brother xoxo.

 

21 July 2005

Our beautiful girls, another year has passed.  It has now been 2 years since we have held you in our arms.  As clear as day I can imagine the two of you running around with your brother terrorising him I'm sure.  Matt is so soft natured I think the two of you would have dominated him completely :)

On Thursday we took flowers and balloons out to the cemetery for you both.  Matt wrote your names on your balloons (not ledgible of course) and we all gave them both a kiss before Matt let them fly upto you.  I've written a poem for your anniversary (its in the poems area for anyone who would like to read it).

 

29 April 2005

As we go through this IVF cycle I am struggling with raw emotions again.  As another greiving mum said to me its quite amazing how close the surface our feelings are since we lost our babies.  She is so right.  I've never been a crying type of person, but now I can cry easily and without a lot of control.  I don't like it, but I have no choice.  I am really struggling again at them moment with the loss of our girls and I'm not looking at all forward the their second anniversay in July.  I am constantly seeing twins and feel like I'm surrounded by them.  Sometimes I just want to go up to some of these mums and say don't worry about the sleepless nights etc just be so thankful you have your babies, you could have turned out like us!  A lovely nurse I met at the hospital for my IVF today has identical twin daughters who also showed signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS).  She was so sweet, I could tell she really 'gets' my pain, the poor woman was almost in tears.  I gave her this website because this nurses sister's baby was still born in January this year.  I'm hoping if she needs to she can drop by here and find some comfort. 

Sometimes a big part of my emotional frustration comes from people who don't 'get' our pain.  They either don't acknowledge our feelings or don't acknowledge our girls.   I know this is also a common feeling amongst other grieving parents, not matter what the age of their angel child.  Some people see to think that because you didn't live with this person for years or didn't know them for long that you don't grieve for them the same way.  How wrong they are.  Even mothers who miscarry their baby/ies after a week or so have already made plans for their little life growing within them.  They have already started to dream of their future as a parent and as a family.  When they lose their baby/ies those plans and dreams are shattered.  Its not something you just get over, you get over losing your job or breaking your arm, you don't get over losing your child.

I also don't like the way some people try to make you feel better by telling you about someone elses pain or suffering.  Yes things could be worse, there is always someone worse off and there are always people better off, but that doesn't minimise your feelings or your pain.  The pain of losing a child is as real as any pain can be and it never goes away, you just learn to live with it.  What choice do you have.  We have a responsibility to those who've passed on before us (especially those whose lives were cut short) to live a productive and happy life.  Afterall if they were here thats what we'd want for them and thats what they'd deserve.  To waste the lives we still have is an insult to our heavenly loved ones.

 

6 April 2005

As the second anniversary on our sweet girls birth and passing approaches I think I've finally realised that my grief for ~Paige and Amy~ will never go away.  I am learning to live with the permanent ache of missing them and wishing things had been different. 

Grief is physical, its not just a word.  Once you've been to the depths of griefs dispair its with you for the rest of your days.  You learn to go on and live with its presence but it doesn't ever go away for long.  When you wake in the morning its there and when you go to sleep at night its still there.

Sometimes when I'm having a bad day I see people laughing and having a good time and I just want to scream at them 'don't you know my babies are dead', 'don't you see the pain written all over my face and my heart'?  I wonder how the world goes on. 

On the other side of this, are my good days.  When I catch myself laughing and enjoying myself, and I feel guilty.  How can I be happy when my babies are dead?  How can I enjoy the good things in life when I have so many painful memories locked away inside my heart?

All these thoughts are normal I know.  And as many of us know life does go on.  Life if for the living and to waste your life is an insult to those whose lives were taken 'all too soon'.  Even through our sad times we have to make the most of the life we have been given, and to remember all those loved ones who are waiting for us in heaven and live a little bit of life for them as well.

March 2005

My sweet sweet girls.  The frustration and disappointment with our attempts at IVF only makes me miss you both all the more.  If you were both here, we wouldn't be going down this path at all.  

I often wonder how different our house would be now with an almost 3 year old and 2 approximately 17 month olds.  Wow I can just imagine the kaos.  I bet the house would be like a bomb had hit it, and we would be totally run off our feet and exhauseted.  I wonder what your brother Matt would be like.  I'm sure he would have become quite a different little character had he had to contend with two sisters so close to his own age.  He also wouldn't have had two doting parents at his beck and call.  I wonder what your first words would have sounded like, and what the precious sounds of your giggles would have been to my ears. 

In my mind I can hear you both laughing and playing with your brother and the chitter chatter of your little voices as you go about your day.

There was a baby born here this last year that was the same birth weight as you Paige.  He was a few weeks older in gestation, but he was your exact weight and length.  I can't help but imagine what might have been.

 

 

 

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This website is dedicated to ~Paige and Amy~ my beautiful little angel babies.