Saturday 3 March 2007

I have much more to add, but thought I'd give a quick update as I have some lovely people who watch my site emailing to find out how we are.

DS#2 arrived 1 February 2007.  He is just beautiful and we are all in love.

I thank God regularly for the gift of both our gorgeous boys.  DS #1 is totally in love with his little brother.

Thank you to all the lovely people who email me and leave messages.  We appreciate all of your well wishes, prayers and for sharing this tremendous journey with us.

Will be back soon with more :)

Sunday 28 January 2007

Hasn’t been such a great Australia Day weekend.  I’ve continued to be in lots of pain, with lots of pressure down low.  On Saturday I was feeling so unwell we ended up ringing the on call OB and then going up to see her in the hospital.  Nothing much going on, just 'normal' stuff.

So for the rest of the weekend I’ve just laid low to try and keep this little man in.  I’m due back at the OB tomorrow and having my first steroid shot for LB’s lungs.

We are so close now to having this new LB and sometimes I just shudder when I hear DS talk about his brother.  Being almost 5 with no other living siblings he has such a wonderful understanding that we have a baby in my belly and he is always talking about him and how he will help him and look after him.

I'm just can't imagine going through his grief as well as my own if something were to go wrong now. 

Its so hard to talk to anyone in real life about this cause they just think we've gotten this far all should be fine.  They seem to have forgotten that we almost lost DS at birth due to a cord prolapse, totally unrelated to my IC.  DS was born blue and floppy with an APGAR of only 1.

Anyway I know I just have to hope and trust that all will be fine, just wanted to get this off my chest.

Thursday 25 January 2007

I’ve been in heaps of pain today.  I wonder if LB has moved down or something.  I know his head is still up under my right rib but he feels a lot lower.  Maybe his bottom is down low.  I’ve had so much pressure and pain down low today, probably the worst yet.  A few times today I’ve been sure that my waters would just pop!!

It’s the Australia Day long weekend and my OB is not on, so I need to rest heaps at least till Monday when he will be back.  I don’t want to get this far and have to go without him.  Mind you if LB or my body decides its time, there isn’t much I can do about it.

Now that I’ve got a date, I’m really struggling.  Its like now that I’m on the count down I just can’t wait any longer.  This has been such a long time coming.  Really we started trying for another baby at the end of 2002, beginning of 2003.  We got to have our girls but of course never got to bring them home.  This LB has been a long time in the making and in our hearts just waiting to join us.

I’m trying to stay calm, but there is this big part in my heart that is scared of what will be.  Every now and then I just have to take some deep breaths and try to think about something else.

DS is very excited and I so don’t want to let him down in anyway.  His excitement just worries me more.

Monday 22 January 2007

Had my OB appointment today.  I think he could see how uncomfortable I am and he agreed to my thoughts on a c section date.  I don’t want to advertise the date so I’ll just say that it is set.  I just have to hold on till then.

Now I’m really nervous, but I can do it, not long now J

Our DS is very excited and I want everything to go well just as much if not more for him now.  He understands that the twins went to heaven because they were born too early.  Last night he said to his dad, I didn’t come out of mummy’s belly too early.  And his dad said no, you were a little before time, but not too much.  Then DS said, we don’t want LB too come out to early, cause then he’d have to go to heaven and we’d have to have another baby.  I almost burst into tears; I can’t believe just how much these little people take in.

I wish someone could just show me or tell me that everything was going to be fine and to just be happy…

Saturday 20 January 2007

I’m officially past 35 weeks and in uncharted territory for a pregnancy for me yet.  With DS being delivered at 35 weeks I have never been this far pregnant before J.

Its times like tonight that I feel this LB will come sooner than planned.  I’m having regular Braxton hicks (BH) contractions, a lot of pain down low and feel ready to explode.  I’m trying to take it especially easy as my OB is not working this weekend and I desperately want him there for the delivery along with my previous OB and our paediatrician.

I haven’t got a set planned date yet, but the OB is thinking the first week in February.  Very freaky J

My next appointment is Monday and I’m eager to ask about a couple of issues that has come up in the last few days.  The main one is I have a feeling in my throat like swelling or a blockage.  It only really started last night and at first I thought my heart burn medication had gotten stuck in my throat.  However when I woke this morning I still had the same feeling.  I tried to make an appointment at the GP but she was unavailable.  I phoned a good friend of mine who is a  GP (on maternity leave)  and she suggested it could be something to do with the pregnancy.  So I will get the OB to check Monday and then go to the GP if he thinks its something separate.   The other thing is these strange sharp pains I’ve been getting off and on around my tummy.  They are rather painful when I cough or turn a certain way and feel very uncomfortable.  So we will see what happens.

My heartburn is also out of control.  I’ve been getting the chest pains back as well as heaps of heartburn.  But apparently I’m on the maximum dose of medication…  So seems I’m getting all the symptoms you expect to get towards the end of a pregnancy.

Monday 15 January 2007

Had my check up today 34 + weeks.  Still measuring huge. I've been teary all day which I don't like at all.  We have wanted this little one so much for so long I feel really awful complaining about the pg.  I don’t want to sound ungrateful cause I truly and beyond thankful and grateful, but I’m over myself today.  Everything hurts when I walk.  I’m having plenty of contractions (Braxton  hicks) and some of them really hurt.

I had so many on the way home from the OB today I’ve decided I’m not driving that far on my own anymore.  I could hardly see the road through the pain today.

The pelvic pain is unbelievable, and sometimes so bad I can hardly walk.  I can feel a lot of tugging and pulling around where the suture is and I guess some scarring is in that area as well.

My feet are huge; everything from the neck down seems to be swollen.  I still want this little man to stay put for at least another 2 weeks, but man I’m looking forward to getting rid of some of this discomfort. 

I can do it though; I want our little man to not have to spend any time in special

care and come home with us when I leave the hospital…

The most important thing is LB sounded well and that part of the appt was uneventful.  I did raise my concerns about the baby being transverse and the risk of cord prolapse and of course in my OB's too honest manner, he said 'anything can happen'.  Great just what I didn’t need or want to hear!!  Surely one cord prolapse in someone’s child baring history is plenty…

Sunday 14 January 2007

I have an OB appointment tomorrow, I’m wondering if he will set a c section date?? 

I’m still anxious.  I’m surprised how many people think we are now ‘safe’.  Do they not remember our DS’s birth?  Going in to the hospital expecting a normal natural delivery, only to almost lose him at birth??  Do people not think that this doesn’t play on my mind?  I have given birth to 3 children and they have all been traumatic deliveries.

DS survived and at the end of the day that is all that matters, but for the first year of his life I had regular flash backs to his delivery and how close we came to losing him.  I picture the monitor which was barely showing a trace of heart beat, I remember the OB saying there was no time to discuss the c section.  I can easily recall the OB standing over me with a scalpel waiting to cut into my stomach that was painted with betadine.  He was also very agitated as no anaesthetist had arrived.    I still get lost in thoughts of that day occasionally now.  Its not something that is that easy to forget.  Even my OB at time who I’ve chatted to recently still remembers some of the scarier events of that day.  He told me he still discusses it with people.  The hospital also changed some of its protocols after DS’s delivery as I realised later, they had not been able to attend to our particular emergency as effectively as they could have.  Luckily for us things fell into place enough that our DS is with us today.

Wednesday 10 January 2007

I’m starting to feel a little anxious about the birth of our LB.  The situation is so different this time to the other two births.  With DS we went in after my waters had ruptured expecting a natural delivery.  I hadn’t even given it much thought after all those months of trying to keep him inside I was just pleased to have gotten so far.  Little did we know the trauma of what was to come with a cord prolapse and emergency c section with general anaesthetic.  With our twins well that was a whole other story.  After spending the weekend in hospital in labour trying to stop the delivery, I gave birth naturally to our girls.  I got to hold them as soon as they were born and wonder in their precious little bodies.  Even though it was so very emotional and sad it was also peaceful and beautiful.

Well this time I’m going in knowing I have to have a c section.  I’m worried about having a needle in my back for the epidural/spinal block and I’m worried about having my stomach cut open while I’m awake.  The OB tells me it feels like someone doing the washing up in your tummy!!  Well we’ll see about that.

I also wonder about seeing him, how emotional that moment is going to be…  Or have I been desensitised to so much of this baby stuff that I won’t even shed a tear??  I don’t know where these thoughts are coming from, but they are here and I don’t know what to do with them.

Sunday 7 January 2007

I’m putting this little update in mainly for those who have a TAC and maybe experiencing chronic pain.  

Throughout this pg I've suffered greatly with pain.  I don't know why, is it the TAC, the scarring that I know I have or my hernia.  But I get lots of pain down low, to the point that some days I can barely walk.

Its gotten to the point now where I don't walk anywhere other than from the car to the OB.  Too much activity certainly makes my suffering worse even the day after the activity.  So no shopping etc for me…

The groin at my right leg is so painful I can’t lift that leg into the car without using my hands to help lift it.

I get lots of the stabbing sharp pains as well, which feel like they are inside my cervix.  Again rest is all that helps and some panadol.  Problem is I have severe reflux as well so laying down isn't always an option.

And sleep, what is that.  Between the reflux and LB getting the wiggles when I lay down, I end up just napping through out the day when ever possible.

I'm certainly not wishing LB out to soon, but boy this constant pain is really starting to wear me down.

Anyway just wanted to share and let others know that I too have lots of pain since the beginning of this pregnancy, and even more now that LB is heavier and the normal softening and loosening of the bones, muscles etc has begun...

Saturday 6 January 2007

I realised today that my previous two pregnancies (not counting the early losses) with DS and our girls I really took the pregnancy part for granted.  My pregnancy with DS was difficult and I was quite worried, but I still feel more gratefully for this pregnancy.  Maybe because it was such a long and difficult road to fall pregnant, maybe because I know it will be my last I’m not sure.  With the twins pregnancy I was too busy with DS who at 11 months old when I fell pregnant, pretty much kept my mind occupied.

After DS birth was the first time I realised how truly precious our children are and how lucky those of us who’ve managed to have them here on earth with us, are.  The second time this revelation was reinforced with me was when we lost our girls.   As sad as our road to build a family has been, I am truly grateful for the gift of true appreciation I feel at experiencing motherhood.  This is such a precious and valuable gift, I wish that everyone could really understand just how fortunate they are when they bring a live, happy and healthy baby into this world.

Wednesday 3 January 2006

My OB is back seen him today.  Thank goodness for that.  We discussed trying to get me to very early Feb, which would be great, just depends how I cope.  He did say he'd consider 36 weeks if I was really struggling.

Not much else happened, even though my heartburn is getting worse again, he can't up my zantac anymore, I'm on the maximum dose..  Oh well...

I'm still measuring 40 weeks this week, so at least that hasn't changed.  I go again Monday as I'm now weekly...

He isn't going to do the steroid shots unless I go into labour on my own soon.  Apparently from 34 weeks there isn't much to be gained from the shots and also the newest research says that there could be some eye problems with babies who've had quite a few of the injections.

So there we go :)

Monday 1 January 2007

Here we are a new year.  My OB is back tomorrow and I have an appointment on Wednesday.  I will be relieved to see him back.  My main goal now is to make it 2 more weeks.  Then what ever we get after that will be a bonus. 

People want to buy things for LB but I just can’t let them.  I know I probably sound rude, but I can’t help it.  DH even asked today if we can wash some of DS # 1’s baby clothes (not that we have many left as I gave most of them away), but I can’t do that either.  Another lady asked yesterday if I had everything ready for the baby.  I didn’t go into much detail, just said not really but we’ll be right.  She was like you better get going !!!  Oh well…

I feel like I have this great big bubble growing inside of me that is a mixture of excitement, love, hope and anticipation.  But I can’t let it out…  I’m just too scared to imagine too much about this little man.  Where I can easily torture myself with thoughts of what might have been with our twins, I can’t allow myself to imagine life with our LB.   I’m just too scared…   Which is silly really as no matter what I'm in love with this little guy and adore him already... 

Friday 29 December 2006

Today’s scan showed LB measuring a whopping 6lb...  He is measuring 3 weeks ahead, while my uterus measures 8 weeks ahead eek !!!

No obvious reason why I have so much lower pain.  My cervix is still 3.7cm, but the cerclage is looking very taught.  Maybe the weight of LB is adding pain and pressure. 

Dr at the scan isn't convinced I'll go all the way to my planned 37wks.  He even gave me a copy of the letter to my OB today just in case I ended up in hospital on the weekend *raised eyebrow*.

My next appt with the OB is Wednesday, so I guess we will discuss the steroid injections.

You know I still can't believe how much better the TAC holds the cervix.  I'm quite active compared to my previous pg's and although I'm suffering with lots of pain it doesn't seem to be affecting my cervix...  Considering I was 8mm with no cerclage with DS #1 at 23 weeks and I had hour glassed through the vaginal cerclage at 20weeks with our twins I can't believe what my cervix is like with this baby.

It truly is amazing...

I got a fantastic 3d image of LB today.  I’m so in love…  He has the chubbiest cheeks just like DS #1…

Thursday 28 December 2006

32 weeks

Well I am still growing rapidly.  At least now there is a reason I’m feeling so big, so sore and tired.  My uterus is now measuring 40 WEEKS  !!

I just can’t believe it, no wonder I’m in so much pain down low.  I can’t sleep properly.  I go to bed for awhile but my sore hips don’t last long, then I end up in the recliner in the lounge room.  Only problem is due to my tummy size I can no longer recline or I feel faint.

I can’t walk around much as I’m having shooting pains down low, maybe due to the cerclage??

I went to the Dr (Dr H) yesterday, he asked if I wanted to go in to hospital for at least a few days.  I’ve declined at this stage, as DH is home, but things could change next week.  Dr has also put me on weekly visits and is sending me for a scan tomorrow.  That way we can check the baby, check the cervix and cerclage and just get a better idea of what is going on in there.

I’m a little worried about the growth that is happening at the moment.  Not only am I measuring ahead but I seem to be gaining more weeks each visit.

LB is still transverse.  I raised my concerns about this, so we’ll see what happens with the scan tomorrow.

I may also start on the steroids for the baby’s lungs next week.

I so hope I can at least get to 34/35 weeks.

Friday 15 December 2006

I’ve made it to the 30 week mark this week.  Just over 6 weeks till our little man arrives unless he comes earlier.  At this stage I just want to get to Jan 2  (and beyond) when my OB will be back from holidays.

After all we've been through he doesn't want to miss the birth and I certainly don't want him to miss is either. 

I told my DS once that babies grow from a little seed size thing in the mummy's tummy.  He now wants to know 'who' put the seed in my belly  *eek*  Kind of avoiding it just now as at 4 and 3/4's I think he is a bit young to understand that the OB did (IUI)  J

The BIG news is and I mean BIG is that my uterus is measuring 36 WEEKS.  

No wonder I feel so uncomfortable.  

The baby is also transverse.  I’m now wondering if this is something I should be worried about.  I'm having a c section so that part doesn't matter, but my GP kind of frightened me with her questions about it.  Do they know where your placenta is?  Do they know why the baby is transverse?  Have you had a scan recently?  and a few more...

I found out last scan that the baby is measuring in the 96th percentile for size, but so did DS and he still does.  I also know that I have lots of fluid in the sac...  As I did with DS...

I didn't think there would be much change in the stretch mark dept for me this time but I have some lovely new ones appearing either side of my belly button.

This baby is sitting much higher than DS, maybe due to the cerclage??

Friday 8 December 2006

29 + weeks…

I had really sharp pains down low last night which still hadn't gone away this morning.  My urine also had a strong odour (sorry TMI) to it; I felt very nauseous as well and was quite swollen.  I spoke to my OB and asked if I could just go to the GP as I didn't feel up to driving to see him as it’s much further away.

So at the GP she did a preliminary test on my urine and there was lots of puss (another sorry TMI) in it, so now its been sent for further testing.

I started on some antibiotics straight away.

Lucky for me DS has been wonderful all day and kept himself occupied.  I have barely moved off the couch, I just feel so horrid.

I hope this has no effect on our baby.  Another thing to worry about...

Friday 1 December 2006

Well I've finally reached the 28 week milestone.

I saw my OB today and now he is away till Jan 2nd, so he said I have to be good, he doesn't want miss out on the birth after all we've been through together J

I will see my original OB in two weeks who is now retired, but locums for the current OB when he is away.

We discussed whether to do the steroid shots today just in case, but I think we've decided to hold out in the hope that I don't go this early.

I tell you I'm getting very nervous about all this now.  I just need to get through all of this month then Jan and then its show time.

I'm getting worried if the baby is alright, is something wrong that we missed on the scans etc.  Will my cord prolapse like last time?

Very scary...

OB also put me on meds for my horrendous heart burn.  This baby must have lots of hair J

Tuesday 14 November 2006

Today LB feels very low. His kicks are usually up around my belly
button, now today all of a sudden they are all down really really
low. I have barely felt anything up near my belly button at all...

This is scaring me a bit...  He feels like he is kicking way to low for someone with an IC.

After resting most of the day with no change I called my OB who said to come in.  He said it was the only way he could really reassure me.

When I went into labour and delivery I was chatting to the nurse and she was kind of directing me to the delivery suites.

Well I just burst into this blubbering mess!!

A lot of memories of my last time their giving birth to our twins came flooding back.  I almost hyper ventilated...

I was so stunned by my reaction.  I truly didn't see it coming and hadn't even given it a thought on the way there...

The poor nurse was trying to settle me down and find out what was making me so upset.

Not to mention of course that my birth their with DS was also traumatic with his cord prolapse, being born blue and floppy with an apgar of only 1 out ot 10....

I finally settled down and my OB did a scan.  The scan showed LB has moved down kind of hammock style in my lower tummy, so that explains the low movements.

The OB did an internal and said everything seems fine to him. He said
if he had any doubts at all he'd keep me in...

I must say I do feel better when LB is up higher.

Sunday 12 November 2006

Had my OB appt Friday, wait for it - I'm not going back for 3 weeks I will have another cervix scan next week (with the DR not the sonographer) and then the week after I'll go back to the OB.  I will have my sugar test and everything also that week.

Interesting day yesterday. In the early hours of the morning I woke with really bad pains in my chest which went through and spread across my back. I was up for a few hours eventually took some panadol and got back to sleep. When I got up in the morning it came back.

So I took myself down to the GP to see what they thought. Well he said I know its probably nothing, but I'm not comfortable with sending you home, so off to the hospital with you.

Went into the ER, they wanted to rule nasty stuff out like clots etc. Had to have a chest x-ray, which I wasn't happy about with LB and then had blood tests. Everything came back good, white blood cells were a little high, but pg and my recent illness probably account for that.

So they are putting it down to the bronchitis and weaning off the prednisone.

DH was sure they'd admit me, but I was determined not to take any gear with me and stay positive that I'd come home.

Wednesday 8 November 2006

I had my fortnightly scan to check my cervix today.  I will be 25 weeks tomorrow.  I got the fright of my life when the sonographer was checking my cervix.  Once again like last week he could find my cervix.  He could find the sutures but not the cervix.  There was also a big open space on the edge which when I asked if it was funnelling he said I think so.  This space also seemed worse with fundal pressure.  He stopped the scan and said he’d go get the Dr.  I was petrified.  I had DS with me who was asking all sorts of questions and I was trying my hardest not to be short or snappy with him, but my mind was in a spin.  I phoned DH to tell him what was going on and he too was scared out of his mind.  I was laying there for what seemed like forever thinking that DH would have to come and get DS as I’d probably be going to hospital till at least 28 weeks.  In my head  I was going through having to ring work and say I wouldn’t be back, wondering what and how we’d manage DS if I was in hospital for at least 3 weeks, I felt like my head was spinning out of control.  Where we really going to be able to get through this and bring home a live baby?  How was I going to explain to DS what was going on?  I know he’d be worried about his brother and me…  Thinking back over the last few days I thought I’ve done too much, I’ve become too complacent…  I was even laying there trying to move the pillow further under my bottom to raise my pelvis, my mind was in a total whirl…

Dr C came in and said how are you?  I said ‘scared’.  He asked how far along I was and I said 25 weeks tomorrow.   He got straight into the scan and almost immediately he found my cervix *I let out a huge breath* 

What the sonographer was looking at was a ‘shadow’.  My cervix measured around 5.77cm all up with at least 2cm above the cerclage…     My goodness what a fright.

When we were all done I the sonographer looked at me and I said that’s two times in a row now that you’ve scared me ( I was smiling, on the outside anyway) and he said, that’s it, I’m not scanning you anymore.  We will just wait for Dr C.  My thoughts exactly.

I phoned DH back who by this time was beside himself already making plans in his head.  He was so relieved to hear that all was good. 

So now we move on to an OB appointment on Friday and another scan in two weeks.

Saturday 4 November 2006

24 weeks + 2 days, our first big milestone has been and gone.  Now for the 28 week milestone.  My bronchitis is finally getting better with the help of the prednisone.  I’m bit puffy from the steroids as well having major heart palpitations.  All of which are apparently normal with prednisone.

Tonight Matt was sitting having a cuddle on my lap, eating soft tiny teddies – eekk!!  He asked if I wanted one and I said no thanks, he then insisted I eat it cause LB wanted it *frown*   So I ate the disgusting soft tiny teddy. 

Yesterday after we discussed that his birthday would be after LB is born, we asked him if he thought LB would bring him a present.  Matt looked at us like we were stupid and said, no he’ll just give me lots of hugs and kisses J 

Saturday 28 October 2006

I'm still struggling really badly with bronchitis.  It seems to be viral as I am now on my 3rd lot of antibiotics and still no good.

I'm now on ventolin, a preventative, nebuliser, codeine cough mixture, and prednisone and today she's put me on some sleeping tablets as I can't sleep.  I have to sleep in one of the recliners in the lounge and I'm finding it very hard to get more than a few hours.

My lung function tests keep coming back worse and worse so if its still not good by Monday I have to go on a morphine nebuliser!!!

To top all of that off, I've now pulled two very painful muscles in my belly which make the coughing very sore... 

I’m feeling rather sad and sorry for myself right now, with my lungs already squished up to buggery somewhere, all I don’t need is my lungs not to be working properly.

Friday 27 October 2006

Well I seem to be getting some relief from the prednisone during the day but it certainly isn’t helping with my nights at all.  I tried going to bed last night in my sitting up position and ended up have a coughing episode so bad I vomited.

In the early hours of the morning I gave up and spent the rest of the night in the recliner in our lounge room.

I also seemed to have hurt one of my ribs, this is all just so much fun – not…

Thursday 26 October 2006

I called into a local shop today and tortured myself for a while looking at little blue baby clothes.  I was touching this one gorgeous little outfit and thinking about how much I‘d like to buy it, when I just burst into tears.  I knew then that there is no way I will be buying anything for this dear little baby for some time yet… 

All was fine at the OB.  I tried to ease my worries about all the medication I'm on by saying that I need to be able to breath properly for the sake of the baby.  So what ever I need to has to be done.

Wednesday 25 October 2006

I'm still sick and just so fed up. I can't even write this without crying my eyes out.

I'm coughing so much I can't stand it. I can't sleep as I need to stay sitting. If all the meds I'm taking actually work a bit I only get some sleep until they wear off.

I'm scared for the baby, my cervix and just so tired and worn out.

I'm going back to the GP today and also getting a scan done of my cervix today.

I don't really know why I'm crying so much, I think cause I'm worried about our LB.  I was so mad when I burst into tears on the phone to the OB this morning to check for the GP if I can have prednisone.  I so can't stand not being able to control my emotions.

Later the same day

Went to the GP, my lung function test was below normal and she said my chest sounded terrible.  She has put my on 50mg of prednisone, so quite a high dose, at least till I go back for another lung function test on Monday.

I went for the scan and I was beside myself. The sonographer that I saw before the Dr couldn't find my cervix **freaking out** I was sure I was funnelling.

DH was sitting beside be so quiet and grabbing hold of me.

Finally the Dr came in and said I here we have a disappearing cervix, well that was all I needed to hear - not!!

Anyway he found everything and the cervix was around 3.1 cm. About one cm shorter than last time, but I know there is margin for discrepancies between measuring.

I go to the OB tomorrow and have another scan in two weeks.

Saturday 21 October 2006

I have had a shocker of a cough all week.  Very dry no other symptoms.  My OB ok’d me to take Benedryl on Tuesday, but it didn’t work for long.  On Friday he ok’d me to take Codeine Linctus for a few days.  I decided to go to the GP as well.  The fear of what this might do to my cervix or bag of waters is freaking me out a bit…

GP is treating me for allergies/asthma.  I had a much better sleep last night, so hopefully things will settle soon.  I haven’t seen the OB this week, can’t believe I cancelled the appointment.   There are major road structure/traffic problems were I need to travel at the moment with hours of delay.  So I made my appointment for next week and scheduled an ultrasound for me cervix on Wednesday.   Praying hard that this hasn’t all been too much for my cervix…

Tuesday 17 October 2006

Although I feel content and more than happy with this little baby inside of me, I’m struggling a little with people around me who are having twins.  I prayed to God to not let me fall pregnant with twins if I couldn’t carry them safely to near full term and I am more than happy with the blessing I’ve been given.  However there is still a longing within me that began but hasn’t been fulfilled.  I just wish I had our twins here with us as well as this little man on the way.  I still struggle some days to understand why we were blessed with twins to only have them ripped from our lives.

I don’t think the longing for our babies that we’ve lost will ever go away.  The birth of this child will help heal our hearts, and I am so very grateful to have been blessed with another pregnancy and child.

Monday 16 October 2006

For the first time tonight I felt a good kick from the outside, very exciting.  I could sit with my hand on my belly all day.

Also tonight my belly can be seen very easily moving around as LB does what ever he is doing in there.  That also could keep me mesmerized for hours.  I so love this little one growing within me.

Thursday 5 October 2006

We have only recently started to let people know that we are pregnant.  In fact we aren’t really announcing it, but now that I have an enormous belly people are finding out.  Today in the mail we received a beautiful gift from some very dear friends who live a fair way away.  The card read – A guardian angel to love and protect him and guide him safely into our waiting arms.  Our love and our prayers; keep well and safe… Its exciting…  There was also a beautiful blue Beanie Kids ‘Gabriel the Angel Bear’ included.   Well I cried and cried.  I love the thought and meaning behind this beautiful gift.  My emotions however just came spilling over…  I know that obviously has to do with the loss of our girls and my fears for this baby, but it was still quite unexpected.  Its still amazes me just how close to the surface my emotions have remained… 

Tuesday 3 October 2006

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.  The second of my IVF friends to fall pg since I have, is also having twins.  God knows I am happy for them, I’ve prayed for a long time for both of them to have healthy babies.  Its just so close to home and so hard to hear.  I truly am happy I’m having one baby, I prayed to God to not let me have any more than my body can handle, so I’m happy to go with what he’s given me.  But I can’t help that feeling that I missed out on something so very special.  Losing our girls has left a longing in my heart that I don't think will ever go away even if I was having twins again.  They wouldn't be our beautiful girls.  I have to wonder if this feeling will always be with me …

Monday 2 October 2006

I am in a lot of pain since yesterday.  We went to a family wedding and my sciatica and pain in my side are terrible.  I won’t be doing any more major outings.  LBB had been moving a lot more though J

Sunday 1 October 2006

My mind is a bit of a mess.  I haven’t felt our LBB move a lot this last few days and its doing my head no good.  I’ve tried all my tricks but still not much.

Tuesday 26 September 2006

It’s a BOY!!  Its amazing how good I feel.  For some reason I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  The thought of having another girl only scared me more, besides I love little boys and am more than happy to be having another one. 

Thursday 21 September 2006

Had Ob appt which was good.  Got to see a lovely 3d image of the little ones face.  LB had lovely full lips just like DS and one of the twins :)  I couldn't get a copy as its a new machine and my OB didn't know how to print it out - bugger...

I'm so scared of the attachment and day dreams I'm having about this baby.  I can't help myself and it just scares me so much.  My heart is aching to think of all this stuff, yet my head tells me not to get ahead of myself. 

I’m also having some really awful headaches which make me feel quite miserable.  I can cope though.  OB says that this is normal coming up to 20 weeks.

Friday 15 September 2006

Went for my scan and my cervix was at least 3cm.  What a relief, for now at least J  The Dr had never seen or heard of an abdominal cerclage so there was a little explaining on my part before he understood.

When I got home my wonderful friend and neighbour Denise who was looking after my DS, had swept and tidied my garage and pergola area.  She was also doing my ironing.  I don’t know what I’d do without her.  My other lovely friend and neighbour also helped look after DS and cooked my dinner last night.  I am blessed to have these wonderful ladies in my life.

Thursday 14 September 2006

Had my weekly OB appt.  LB looked fine, but my cervix appeared to be measuring a little shorter.  It had previously measured between 2.5 cm and 2.8cm, now it is 2 cm.  My OB wasn’t particularly concerned but I was in a panic.  My head felt like it was swimming.

I convinced the OB to let me go have another scan with the Maternal and Fetal Medicine unit as he felt part of the problem was that his machine is old and not very good. 

I went down to the Maternal and Fetal Medicine unit straight away and got an appointment for tomorrow, I am so worried now, but will have to wait till then.

Friday 1 September 2006

The prenatal cradle support garment that I order arrived Yesterday.  I’m so please as I ordered if from overseas I thought it would take longer.  I’ve started wearing it today and I seem much more comfortable.  Less back pain and much less discomfort anywhere else.  I don’t know if the antibiotics are helping at all, but I sure do hope that this prenatal cradle keeps me comfortable every day like I feel today.  My emotional state is much better when I’m not in pain.

Thursday 31 August 2006

I called into my GP as the discomfort seems worse.  I feel like something is down there and I need to hold that area (down there).  She phoned and got the results of my urine test and they were normal.  She did another and sent it off.  She’s also put me on antibiotics just in case (keflex). 

Wednesday 30 August 2006

OB has put me on to weekly visits due to my fragile emotional state.  He too can see that I am a mess.  He told me he’d been thinking about it in the shower that morning, I said he read my mind, so that’s good.

He checked the baby and did an abdominal scan to look at the cervix and it didn’t look any different.  I have been having some unusual and uncomfortable pains though very low down.  As well as needing to go to the bathroom even more than usual.  So I was tested today for a UTI.  

Sunday 27 August 2006

I always knew this pg would be hard on me emotionally, but its so much worse when you are going through it.  Some days I get on fine, but others I feel very down, scared and depressed.  Its ok though, if this is what we have to do then so be it.

I think I can feel little flutters of movement now.  Not kicks or pokes but more of a flip floppy movement.

Wednesday 23 August 2006

I was at work and had another splash of blood when I went to the bathroom.  Even though it was brown (which indicates old blood) I was still frightened.  My OB agreed to let me come in for a check up.  Baby’s heart beat was good at 158 and I seemed to be stable.

This is so doing my head in.  I can put up with anything though to get our baby here healthily.

I’m doing a lot of resting and lying around especially when DH is home.  I’m not doing any shopping, groceries or housework and when DH is at work I still lay down or move as little as possible.

At work I sit at my desk most of the time.

Tuesday 15 August 2006

We had our NT scan today.  All was good.  The hematoma seemed to be reducing and our results came out at low risk.  Something like 1/4000+ as opposed to 1/209.

The strangest thing though is that after this news/relief I am so teary. I've been so worked up about the test today and now that it’s finally over, I suddenly feel like if something goes wrong now, I really have something to loose.  I've kept my distance from this pg so much that I couldn't even tell the sonographer today any dates, like last menstrual period, date of IUI etc.  I felt like a dummy.  I want this baby so much and I'm worried it doesn't know how much I love it.

I’ve been holding my tears all day and now suddenly tonight I felt a strong urge to look at all the scan photos of the twins.  That was the end of keeping my emotions in check; I couldn’t hold my tears anymore.  I know I should be feeling just relief, but there is just so much going on in my head, I can’t process it.  Its taken us so long to get to this point and I feel overwhelmed.  Its like I’ve held everything together for the last 8 weeks and now I can’t hold it in anymore.  I’m crying for our girls, for hope for this little baby, and I don’t know what else.  

I even feel really disjointed writing this, my thoughts are everywhere, my fingers can't keep up with my mind and the lump in my throat just won't go away.

Sunday 13 August 2006

Today I had one of the biggest frights of my life.  I was cleaning our leather lounge when I stood up and felt a little pop.  I instantly felt trickling between my legs.  I put my hand down there and when I looked at it my hand was covered in blood. 

I said ‘oh no’ and started towards the bathroom.  I was so scared as the whole way there I could feel the flow getting heavier.  It was literally pouring out.

When I sat on the toilet huge gushes of blood where coming out and I was frozen stiff.  I didn’t know what to do.

My DH was up the street chatting to neighbours.  I padded myself with toilet paper and phoned a neighbour that I’m friends with and told her what happened and asked her to send DH home and could she look after DS while we went to the hospital.

I called the hospital and they said come straight to the ER.  I did got myself together but when DH walked in and said lets go, I burst into tears.  The devastation of what was happening took over.

The car trip to the hospital was long and fairly silent.  DH wanted to look for positives and hope, but I was too scared to offer any.  I was also too scared to let him know how bad the bleeding was, I didn’t want to give him false hope, but I didn’t want to worry him.

At the hospital they took me straight in.  DH was parking the car, and I was trying to fill out some forms although I was crying so much it was really hard to see.

The nurse came and got me and took me through.  My BP was quite low, but otherwise the bleeding has slowed down.  They already had a sonographer coming in to do a scan on another lady, so I could be scanned as well.   I didn’t really expect to get scanned, I thought I’d have to wait till Monday.  I was scared to know what would be or not be on the scan.

After a couple of hours it was finally time for out scan.  I kept doing deep breathing as I thought that would help keep me calm.

When we got in there all I desperately wanted to know was if there was a heartbeat.  The sonographer was fiddling around and I was like can you see the heart beat (the screen was facing her).  She showed me the heartbeat and I thanked God for answering my prayers.  I had be praying so hard while I was waiting at the hospital.

We were told it was a subchorionic hematoma.  As the uterus stretches sometimes the placenta can come away at the edge and a vessel can burst.  That would have been the gushing I had.  I was sent home for a few days of bed rest.  DH stayed home as well to look after DS.

17 July 2006

8 wks 3 day

I now have the first photo of our baby.  The heartbeat was more visible to me which was good.  I told my doctor that I keep waiting for something to go wrong, but hope and pray that it doesn't.  I'm afraid to feel too optimistic, to hopeful, but want to be positive and send good vibes to our baby.

Even though our baby is on my mind most of the time, I'm also living in a kind of denial.  Not looking up a due date, trying not to think too much about names etc and not telling people.

Its so hard, I don't know how people who've been through similar situations as us (and worse) get through a subsequent pregnancy.

7 July 2006

7 weeks

On Wednesday at 6 wks 5 days we saw our baby's heartbeat.  I can't believe how much  more we could see than at the previous scan just 6 days earlier.  There was also what looks like a second sac, but probably not too hopeful that it will continue to grow…

Yesterday after standing in a lay-by queue for almost 3 hours I had really bad back pain and lots of abdominal pain.  It truly does my emotional state no good at all to feel this bad.

I am trying to take one day, one step and one milestone at a time.

3 July 2006

I am 6wks 3 days.

I have just discovered some brownish mucous when I went to the bathroom.

I'm due for another scan on Wednesday and my doc wants me to wait till then.  He says its some old yucky stuff!! 

I have had this before in a previous successful pg, but its still freaking me out just as much.

We've tried so hard and long to get to this point, I totally scared to think of things not working out. 

I've gradually become aware over the last couple of days that I am already extremely attached to this pg. 

Things started off with great betas etc. which I guess has given me a false sense of security..

This pg after IUI with clomid.

13 DPO - HCG 126 P4 and E2 both high
17 DPO - HCG 933
20 DPO - HCG 3350

I went in for a scan last week at 5 wks 5days. We saw a gestational sac and maybe? the yolk.

I feel physically sick now...

When I'm obsessing online reading others peoples experiences I scan the headings for the posts and its like, well that one isn't me, that is not what I'm experiencing.

Then lo and behold a few days later I'm looking at those exact messages cause they now are my experience or at least similar.

This is so hard on my head and my heart. 

June 2006

At my day 12 scan today I have 2 good follicles on the right and one small one that probably won't mature on the left.

It funny that my response to clomid hasn't been a lot different to the massive doses of follicle stimmulating hormone (FSH) that I've taken for IVF.

I admitted to my OB today that I'd upped my dose, he grinned and asked why I told him.  I said honestly cause I won't have any left if you give me 50 mg's next month.  He laughed and said I hope we don't need next month.  Amen to that...

May 2006

OB has put me on 50mg of clomid.  I being the expert that I am have decided to up the dose to 100 mg.  I won't tell him just yet, not that I expect him to be very surprised.

10 May 2006

I am now 4 weeks post D & C.  While I was there my Dr also removed some of my adhesions.  He was a little surprised by the amount of adhesions and said he thinks it was good that we did the LAP to remove them.  He also confirmed that my hernia repair was a failure - like I didn't know that !!

So now we are waiting - again !!  I need to let the DHEA get back into my system and see what happens.  I'm researching for my next cycle right now and we may do a few IUI's with clomid in the mean time so I don't feel like we are doing nothing.

7 April 2006

Another crap outcome.  Looks like I have a blighted ovum which is when a fertilised egg ataches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop.  Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself.  

I'm not exactly sure where we go from here.  We have to wait and see if I miscarry naturally or need to see the Dr. 

I'm so annoyed right now.  I just don't see the point in this.  I haven't taken the vitamins and DHEA for 3 weeks now, as I had to stop when I got a positive.  Now I don't know if I'll have to wait another 4 months or what.  I just don't get this.  Now I get to add another experience to my list...

Once again I am realising how blessed we are to have our gorgeous 4 year old little boy.  He is truly a gift from God.

6 April 2006

Scan will be tomorrow, should be able to see whatever is there to be seen at 7 weeks and 3 days.

27 March 2006

My beta today was 2915.  Still doubling well, but still on the lower side of average.  The nurse at the clinic said no more blood tests, I need to book in for a scan.  I'm so afraid of what we will or won't see in there.

26 March 2006

Some aches and pains today which are keeping me worried.  This is so doing my head in.  I do trust in God though.  I want this child badly, but I have to trust that God knows best.

23 March 2006

Beta today 600. Doubling time is still good, but I'm still worried about the actual levels, they are still a bit low.  I pray that I look back on this entry this time next year with a healthy, happy, live baby in my arms, and wonder what I was so worried about :)

20 March 2006

Saw Dr D this morning.  He requested repeat blood tests and told me to take progynova (progesterone) and provera ( estrogen) as well as any suppositories I have.  His thoughts were that we don't know if it helps, but it certainly doesn't hurt.

HCG today came back at 182, a doubling time of 1.74, which is a good doubling time, but still lower than average for this stage.  I will probably go for a repeat beta on Thursday.

This truly is torture.  Making that phone call 1 hour after the blood test to find out the result it not plesant. 

17 March 2006

Did a HPT this morning first thing and it still had a line but it seemed fainter.  This is not a good sign.  The line should get stronger.  I went to the GP to get the blood results and the machine at the lab was broken........  All she could find out was that my E2 was 770 and P4 is 75.  Both are indicative of pregnancy and normal for this stage. 

GP phoned at 9.15 pm to tell me my HCG reading was a little low at 37.  As I'm unsure when I ovulated we don't really know what this means...

16 March 2006

Well just to make life interesting...............  Today I realised I was late for my period, I did a HPT mid morning  and it was positive, fairly quickly.  I've been to the GP for a blood test and now we will just have to wait.

20 February 2006

Have now been taking DHEA for 4 months.  I have an appointment as the end of this month to the Dr D regarding my next cycle.